[Micah is in an undisclosed location, writing and stuff. Little Wolk goes off on owls]
Little Wolk here. Picture this—Zack Snyder, director of “300″ and “Dawn of the Dead,” pitches an idea to Warner Bros.:
Zack: ”Oh man, you guys are gonna love this. You’re just gonna love it. Okay, so there’s this legendary group of warriors who protect civilians. No one really knows if they exist or are simply mythical, but one day, this heroic guy who truly believes in them decides HE wants to join their ranks. He practices fighting and protecting, and it turns out that not only do the warriors exist, but there’s some sort of crisis and together they fight off the bad guys and save the day.”
Warner Bros. Exec: “Sure. Sounds good.”
Zack: ”Great! Oh yeah. There’s just one more thing.”
WB Exec: ”What is it?”
Zack: ”They’re all owls.”
Ladies and gentlemen, we are officially scraping the bottom of the barrel for ideas. This is an actual movie. Granted, it’s based on a series of books [a series that has some readers miffed about a Christian agenda; I confess ignorance], but come on. Even the name is ridiculous and pretentious for a film about fighting owls, “Legend of the Guardians–The Owls of Ga’Hoole.”
Here’s the trailer. On the 4th viewing, when your brain starts to accept that it’s NOT a joke, be on the lookout for the following:
- An abundance of slow motion scenes with flapping owl wings and feathers
- Owls with evil red eyes
- Owls wearing bronze masks (to protect beaks/disguise their identity)
- The absurdity of talking owls with moving lips who speak with an Australian accent (sidenote, Owl Lips would make a great band name)
- Owls with longer eyelashes than Audrey Hepburn
- That one sagacious owl who is either standing on burning coals or smelling them
- The pivotal “owl holding a teakettle of fire” scene
What adds to my incredulity is that they’ve also chosen a 30 Seconds to Mars song to play in the background of the trailer. As if warrior owls wasn’t enough of a farce, they threw in Jared Leto’s band. And what is with 3D? Is it really necessary? I have yet to meet anyone who claims it enhances their movie-watching experience (I’m not counting Avatar here since that’s its own separate entity) [I will, because Avatar is Dances With Wolves set in a future where everyone is forced to recite lines from a bad script]. I’m guessing at the 3D showings of LOTG – TOOG’H [an even better band name than Owl Lips] there will be a lot of viewers swatting owls away from their faces.
