The most interesting thing about the 2,000 page report on Pope John Paul II submitted to the Vatican’s Congregation for the “Causes of Saints” (great name) is the saint-making process. One miracle is required for beatification, and a second is required for canonization, which presents the question: Isn’t one miracle enough?

The two-miracle quota speaks to both the rigorous standards of the Vatican and the arbitrary nature of the canonization process. Were I not in the middle of research for my next book, I’d scour my old Medieval history texts for an answer as to who came up with this two-miracle requirement.

Having just realized how lazy I would be for not doing such scholarly legwork, I’ve found the ranking system (credit to R.H.C. Davis’ History of Medieval Europe) for good dead people within the Catholic Church who are making the ascension from good dead person to saint. Maybe it’s because I’m still thinking about the late great Gary Gygax, but this system carries such a strong Dungeons & Dragons vibe that I’m presenting it as such. To wit:

Level One: Servant of God
Requirements:  None specified, though accepting the Nicene Creed is most likely a necessity
Powers Granted: Heal minor wounds (as level 1 Cleric), Bigby’s Forceful Hand

Level Two: Venerable (i.e. Bede the Venerable, et al.)
Requirements: Heroic virtue
Powers Granted: All Level One powers in addition to Turn Undead (thrice per day), Intercession, and a Prayer Card issued in character’s name. NPC’s may roll for miracle in Venerable character’s name (+2 to roll if NPC is of same alignment).

Level Three: Blessed (i.e. John Dun Scotus)
Requirements: Martyrdom and/or one miracle. If character was not martyred, character must present evidence of miracle. If character was martyred, proceed directly to level four.
Powers Granted: All Level One and Two powers. Character is given a Feast Day which may be used in Character’s home diocese. Roll 1d6 for three additional powers below:

Bless (by touch)
Detect Evil/Good (15′ radius)
Remove Fear (by touch)
Infravision
Suggestion (twice per day)
Minor Globe of Invulnerability (once per day)

Level Four: Saint
Requirements: One or more miracles.
Powers Granted: All Level powers, in addition to Divine Supernatural Gifts, eternal life, personal friendship with God in heaven. Character’s Feast Day is universal and must be followed by those who have chosen this character as their patron Saint. In addition, character has 4 major benign powers and 2 minor malevolent side effects.

Table 1: Major Benign Power

Remove Curse (by touch, 7 times per week)
Wall of Thorns (once per day, as level 8 Druid)
Speak with Dead (unlimited, as level 10 Cleric)
Storm of Vengeance (once per day, as level 12 Cleric; storm rains acid, lighting, and hail inflicting 2d20 damage +10 if in Saint’s home diocese)

Table 1.1: Minor Malevolent Side Effects

Possessor loses interest in sex
Possessor’s hair turns white

Fact is, if the Catholic Church adopted these standards and powers, I would seriously consider dumping my Judaism. I’d trade a Seder for Bigby’s Forceful Hand any day.

It took some time to realize my earliest influence was not H.P. Lovecraft as I so proudly announced during my first book tour. It was Gary Gygax. Co-founder of Dungeons & Dragons, sort-of creator of polyhedron dice, and the prototype for  all subsequent Dungeonmaster caricatures (paunchy, bearded, bespectacled). I liked Gygax’s writing better than Tolkien’s, and I still do. So what if D&D’s Treants were obvious rip-offs of LOTR’s Ents. So what if D&D’s orcs were obvious rip-offs of LOTR’s…er, orcs.

Fellow semi-reformed nerds will know that Tolkien didn’t invent the orc, anyway. The Tolkien orc sounds a bit like the Italian orco, which referred to a human-eating monster. Hence Gygax gave us the orc, and He-Man gave us Orco, the cloaked, floating midget.

I played D&D from 5th grade to 9th grade–tracing an arc from simmering fascination with girls to full-blown obsession–and those hours spent exploring ruined monasteries and moldy crypts remain some of the most inspiring, creative times of my life. At its best, D&D provided a hero’s life for awkward pre-teens and adolescents. We all daydream; D&D was a long daydream given context and structure. I went from the only Jewish kid in school, the five foot-something skinny Jewish kid with a jumble of curly hair, to a lithe and lethal Ranger with 17 Charisma. Yes, we were aware of the irony–we peppered our schoolbus conversations with in-joke references to various magic items (any reference to a Bag of Holding sufficed, though serious gamers name-dropped Eye of Vecna like it was going out of style). The silliness of our roleplaying enthusiasm kept us laughing even in the middle of intense campaigns, but the self-deprecating laughter also gave us permission to believe our dream, if only for a little while. And I have Gary Gygax to thank for that. He will be missed.

On to business matters. My long-delayed second novel, Jack the Bastard, is back on the shopping block. After a brief flirtation with leading Manga publisher Tokyopop, I walked away from their offer and got myself a new agent (Jud Laghi at LJK Literary Management). Tokyopop wanted to publish JTB as both a novel and a graphic novel, which was great news because that has been my intention from the beginning–a simultaneous release in both mediums, with the graphic novel being the first book in a 3-shot series.

Unfortunately the Tokyopop business model is geared toward adaptations of existing franchises, with no author ownership offered to creators of new franchises. Tokyopop wanted all subsidiary rights to Jack. Despite their Faustian offer, I was tempted. For a week or so. The money wasn’t bad and I was impatient to the point of frantic to see Jack sold and published.

I regained my senses before signing anything, and now I’m waiting to see where JTB lands. But did I mention the book has already received its first blurb? That’s right–from none other than Franco Nero, Mr. Django himself. Django has always been one of my favorite spaghetti westerns, and seeing as how JTB is heavily influenced by samurai flicks and spaghetti westerns, I figured getting Mr. Nero’s endorsement was crucial. So I contacted his agent, and Mr. Nero agreed to read it. Two weeks later I got my blurb.

I mentioned Elvis in the teaser. That’s because my third novel is about Elvis. Elvis as an old man. Before you fire off an email referring to Bubba Ho-tep, you should know I’m playing it straight. No mummies, no Elvis cliches. The working title is Memphis is Burning and I just finished the first draft. It’s an Elvis/road trip/coming-of-age novel. And I’m happy with it, which is more than I could say about previous first drafts of previous novels.